Pearls of wisdom from Dilbert

on Thursday, May 1, 2008

63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

Change is good. You go first.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Feedback is a business term which refers to the joy of criticizing other people's work. This is one of the few genuine pleasures of the job, and you should milk it for all it's worth.

For every person who thinks up a magnificent breakthrough idea, there are a hundred who are nothing more than mindless and unimportant implementers of the idea. The reason for the imbalance in numbers is that the implementers tend to kill the people with the great ideas in order to cut down on the workload.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

If you spend all of your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you hear a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Managers are like cats in a litter box. They instinctively shuffle things around to conceal what they've done.

Mondays are not part of the productive work week.
- Dogbert's Theory of Mondays.

Most problems go away if you just wait long enough. It might look like I'm standing motionless but I'm actively waiting for our problems to go away. I don't know why this works but it does.

Never answer a question unless you know exactly who is asking, why it is being asked, and what will be done with the information.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

No one believes forecasts, but we all want to hear them.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

One "oh shit" can erase a thousand attaboys.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

People enter the marketing profession after they realize that they have grown up without any particular skills.

People who work in accounting departments often work 12 hour days creating reports that nobody cares about. This gives them a very bad attitude. Do not attempt humor around them.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil.

Technical people respond to questions in three ways: It is technically impossible (meaning: I don't feel like doing it); It depends (meaning: abandon all hope of a useful answer); The data bits are flexed through a collectimizer which strips the flow-gate arrays into virtual message elements (meaning: I don't know).

Technology: No Place for Wimps!

The best things in life are silly.

The best way to avoid criticism is to establish a reputation for being irrational and belligerent at the slightest excuse.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is simple. All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy. All you have to do is find them and kill them.

The entire economic system depends on the fact that people are willing to do unpleasant things in return for money.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

The universe is mostly empty space, and so is your job.

The world is full of attractive people whom you will never meet. Your only hope for romance is to lower your standards until co-workers look good.
- Dogbert, "Dating Co-Workers"

There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

We've gotten some complaints about your hostile behaviour. At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

When you grow up you'll be put in a container called a cubicle. The bleak oppressiveness will warp your spine and destroy your capacity to feel joy. Luckily you'll have a boss like me to motivate you with something called fear.

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.

Why is it that the nuttiest people define reality?

Women don't like to be around a man with substandard footwear. Women won't admit this, but they consider the men around them to be free-range accessories for their own outfits. If you clash, you're hash.

Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Your boss reached his/her position by being politically astute. Don't turn your back.
Corollary : To be a successful manager, you must learn to be insensitive to the needs of your employees.

Your brain is like your stomach in the sense that if it's empty, you're willing to put anything in there to fill it up.